


now is the time when we find out what's really happening

by hollandroad



Category: Veronica Mars (TV)
Genre: Canon Compliant, F/M, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Past Rape/Non-con, Season/Series 01, post- Wrath of Con, pretty sad and angsty but in a canon way
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-21
Packaged: 2019-05-08 11:16:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,402
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14693075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hollandroad/pseuds/hollandroad
Summary: Veronica Mars was a closed door now, closed and locked tight without any keys to get in and no sliver of light shining out, and Logan had never been able to resist trying to peek behind closed doors.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> in which I am unreasonably fascinated by Logan's entire headspace between Lilly's death and he and Veronica finally being friends again, and have to work it out of my head by putting it down on (digital) paper

Logan turned the tape over in his hands. “Fun With Lilly” was written on it in Veronica’s handwriting. It seemed strange to him that Veronica’s handwriting hadn’t changed, when the rest of her had. It should be different now, spiky and angry, not the same loopy girly letters he remembered from notes passed in class or homework lent for him to copy. It made him feel like scratching at his brain, at that impulse he had that told him to figure out what made her so different now than she used to be. He felt sometimes, when he saw her look at him with that angry, closed off expression, that he didn’t have the first clue at what she was thinking or why. She had given him a piece of the real Lilly with the tape, not the one Celeste had wanted to see on the video, but the way she really was, drunk and fun and over-the-top and loud and real. Veronica Mars had given that to him. 

He had to hurry to catch her in the parking lot before she got to her car. He almost caught her by the arm, but she noticed him coming and shifted back on her feet and away from him, so he just skidded to a stop in front of her.

“Veronica, hey, listen, I wanted to give this back to you. And to thank you. For letting me use it for the memorial video.” He stumbled over the words, like being anything but a dick to Veronica made him forget how he was supposed to talk to her. Even being this close to her without spouting off some bullshit about her mom or her poverty or her sex life made him feel exposed, vulnerable, when he spend so much time trying so hard to be anything but vulnerable. 

She looked surprised, and he couldn’t blame her. She even hesitated before she took the tape back. 

“It’s not a bomb.” he snarked when she took it from him so carefully even he half-expected it to blow up. 

Instead of responding with her usual witty retort, she just looked down at the tape with an expression he couldn’t read. He hated when he couldn’t read her expression. He needed to know if she was going to push back so he could fire another shot or if she was gonna storm off. That itch in his brain enjoyed messing with her, like the way she reacted was going to make him understand the way her brain worked now, why she was like this. When she didn’t respond, he spun on his feet, mad he had even tried, fully intending to forget all about Veronica Mars and the Case of the Personality Transplant. 

“Hey, Logan, hold on,” She stopped him, almost reaching out and touching his sleeve, but dropping her hand at the last second, like he was infectious or something.

“Actually, I, uh, I made a copy of it, you know, just in case-”

“Just in case of what?” he interrupted. 

“In case you didn’t give it back.” She said sarcastically. “But here. You should keep this one.” She held it out to him, but she wasn’t looking at his face, like she was trying to pretend they weren’t here having a perfectly civil conversation about a tape of Lilly memories that hurt in a good way for once.

"Why?” Why would Veronica Mars do anything nice for him? She finally looked up at him, and she had that slightly suspicious look on her face like she was turning it over in her head whether to answer his question. Like she was trying to figure out whether he deserved the answer. Like she could see all the way into his soul, and had already judged him lacking. He felt the perverse uncontrollable part of his brain fire up. The part that did asshole stuff just to see what would happen, like a kid that pushed a vase over just to watch it smash on the ground. That look on her face was part of why he went out of his way to mess with her, to replace it with that look of loathing that meant he was getting to her. He didn’t like the idea of Veronica knowing anything about him, any more than he liked that impulse to find out about who Veronica Mars was now, who she was that wasn’t Lilly’s Veronica but something else, something hard and unknowable and full of sharp edges. Veronica Mars was a closed door now, closed and locked tight without any keys to get in and no sliver of light shining out, and Logan had never been able to resist trying to peek behind closed doors.

“It’s just. There’s not a lot of Lilly left in the world” She finally answered. She looked a little wistful, like she missed Lilly, like she loved her and hadn’t betrayed her so her fucking dad could accuse Jake of bludgeoning her with an ashtray. Logan didn’t like wistful Veronica. It reminded him too much of how she used to be, wistful and sweet and earnest. 

“Duncan’s not really himself anymore, and you and I are kind of the last ones left that really knew her.” She said, looking past him with unfocused eyes, like she couldn’t bear to look him in the eye anymore than he could bear to look himself in the eye. 

“You and I have nothing in common, Ronnie.” He snapped. He closed his hand around the tape and held it close, like she would poison it with her “we’re in this together” camaraderie bullshit. 

The wistful look was gone, and Veronica looked mad again, mad and empty, nothing of Lilly’s sweet little Veronica but this empty angry husk left over, just like Logan. 

“You can hate it now, but you know Lilly loved both of us.” she said, low, angry, shifting like she was getting ready for a fight she might lose. This was the Veronica Logan was comfortable with, angry warpath Veronica, the door only opened enough for rage to shine through. He had seen how she ate lunch alone every day, talked to no one, walked alone to and from class, and he liked it, relished in it, making her alone like she deserved, as alone as Logan. Even if sometimes he could hear Lilly’s voice telling him he was an asshole, deep down in the part of his brain that used to be Veronica’s friend. Even he knew that was more likely his own conscience than Lilly’s ghost. 

“Look where it got her.” He snapped, leaning in close, trying to make it hurt like a punch, getting in her space, trying to make her small again. Veronica leaned away from him, and he realized she was halfway to pulling what looked like a taser out of her bag. Where the hell did she get a taser? What kind of person was Veronica Mars now that she had a taser in her bag? Who brought a taser to school? She was halfway to pulling it out on Logan, like she felt she might have to use it on him, like he would ever hurt her.

But you have hurt her, that voice from deep in his head that Logan swore was not Lilly’s ghost snarked at him. He leaned back, away from her, surprised that he had been in her face in the first place. Veronica’s face changed from hard and angry back to that suspicious searching look, looking at him like she was trying to figure out what he was doing, what he would do next. Then she turned primly away and kept moving towards her car that was always parked way out at the back of the lot. He stood there, holding the tape that Veronica took of Lilly’s last homecoming in his hand, watching her all the way across the lot to her shitty little car with new headlights after he smashed the old ones in, and then watching her car pull out of its spot and drive out of the parking lot. She never looked back once, just kept her head down and her shoulders hunched and her hand still in her bag like she hadn’t let go of the taser the whole way.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may write more. catch me at punkrocknerdfighter.tumblr.com to help push me along on that front
> 
> the fic title comes from the song Logan used in Lilly’s memorial video, Now Is The Time by Damone, bc emotional resonance makes the world go round


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He couldn’t be jealous, not about Veronica Mars, not when the grief of Lilly was still so raw and Veronica had turned her back on the Kanes. She had a taser in her hand the last time he talked to her. She had to hate him as much as he hated her. He couldn’t be jealous of _Troy_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in which I decide to actually make this a chronological exploration of Logan's evolution from "psychotic jackass" to complicated potential boyfriend

He felt so bad about how he treated Veronica when he gave the homecoming tape back to her that he convinced Luke and Troy that Tijuana was the place to be. Logan jumped at the chance to get hammered and forget all about dead girlfriends and best friends conked out on drugs and backstabbing trailer park enemies he was secretly desperate to understand. It wasn’t until he was already in the car on the way that he remembered Troy was _dating_ Veronica. That impulse part of his brain wanted to stir up shit, push Troy away from Veronica, tell him she was a slut and a traitor and a drunk and all the things he had spent almost a year telling everyone else she was. Instead, he tamped it down, and just got drunk. 

His first thought after they realized the car was missing and Troy called Veronica for a ride back was that he hoped it wouldn’t get back in some way to his dad that made it his fault. His second thought was that Veronica could solve it, and probably will end up solving it, since she and Troy were dating and she was so obviously into her little PI side business. 

His third thought was that he was going to have to spend the whole ride back to Neptune in the car with Veronica Mars, and he didn’t know if he still hated her or not. He didn’t know what it was that made her the way she was, and he refused to fully acknowledge, as he nursed his hangover, that he wanted to know. He wanted to understand her, even if it was just to be sure that he hadn’t made it happen, that it was just grief and her mom leaving, not because of how he had treated her for a year. That was the real reason he wanted to open the locked door that was Veronica Mars. He wanted to make sure he hadn’t helped put the door there in the first place.

She had her hair up in little buns when she picked them up, and it occurred to him that she looked good like that. No more spiky ragged grief hair, but something with personality, something Lilly might have approved of. He flinched away from the thought, and lashed out with some dumb joke about her car coming from a cereal box, but she didn’t even look at him. She was too busy looking at Troy. Her boyfriend. Logan can’t look at her like that. He couldn’t be jealous, not about Veronica Mars, not when the grief of Lilly was still so raw and Veronica had turned her back on the Kanes. She had a taser in her hand the last time he talked to her. She had to hate him as much as he hated her. He couldn’t be jealous of _Troy_.

C’mon lover, he could almost hear Lilly purr in his ear in that voice she used when she was getting him to do exactly what she wanted. You know it’s more complicated than that.

Veronica had almost looked like she was enjoying pretending to run him down with her car. Instead of getting that mad look on her face or ignoring him like she usually did when he messed with her, she was bright eyed, smiling even. Logan tried to ignore how good it made him feel to mess with her without that deep down Lilly-related guilt he numbed with booze and more asshole behavior.

When she questioned him about the drugs, he couldn’t stop wondering if she could see right through him. She always looked at him like she had his number, when she wasn’t looking at him like she hated him, but he wondered if it was as much a part of the “I’m untouchable and badass and unknowable” thing she had going on as the hair and the clothes and the taser were. He couldn’t stop thinking about her holding that taser. 

He couldn’t stand to be around her and Troy together when it just reminded him so much of Veronica and Duncan before. He wondered if she knew Troy was kind of a tool, or if Logan had made her life such a lonely living hell that she was happy to go out with the one guy not talking trash about her all the time.

Then he remembered her lunch friend, and how she and Weevil got along, and he realized it wasn’t how she always was. With him, Duncan, the other 09ers who helped make her life a living hell, she was closed off, angry, warpath, don’t fuck with me or I’ll dig up all your secrets Veronica Mars. She had a circle, people she let in, Logan was just on the outside of it. He wanted to understand her, and he wanted to never see her again, and he wanted to know why he wanted to know so badly. He knew he could have asked Lilly if she were here, and Lilly would have hinted enough for him to figure it out, like she did whenever he wanted to know things he shouldn’t, but if Lilly were here, Veronica wouldn’t look at him like she hated him, or like she already knew all his deep dark secrets. She wouldn’t have cut all her hair off and stopped wearing dresses and turned into some kind of Nancy Drew badass.

And then Troy was just gone, something about drugs and drug rings and some girlfriend and Troy’s dad and boarding school. Nobody seemed to know what had actually happened, just that he was gone. Part of him was glad, glad to see Veronica alone again, but mostly he just felt bad. 

“I heard you and Troy broke up? What happened, he wasn’t into the whole Nancy Drew schtick?” He tried not to sneak up on her at her locker, after the taser thing, but she still jumped when he got close. 

“Yeah, I just realized he wasn’t the One.” She snarked, like it wasn’t a big deal. 

“Wait, Veronica, I just-” He stopped, caught between not knowing how to be sincere with her, and wanting to fall back into old patterns, give her some shit about being trailer park trash.

“Yeah, let’s skip the ‘oh good job Veronica, way to lose another boyfriend’ and pretend we did.” She slammed her locker shut and brushed past him. Logan couldn’t tell if she was upset or if Troy just wasn’t all that important to her. He had no idea how she felt, and he couldn’t backshift into any kind of friend mode the way he once could have. 

He didn’t even know why he was trying. He couldn’t care less about Veronica Mars’ love life.

Except that he couldn’t stop thinking of her crying at the Homecoming memorial, of her and Duncan together all those months ago, of her and Lilly at the car wash the day Lilly died. Of how he brought her ice cream after her breakup with Duncan, and when she asked him what had changed, he didn’t even have to lie to her when he said he didn’t know. He couldn’t see this version of Veronica needing ice cream, especially not from him. Not when she carried a taser around and tracked down stolen cars and didn’t have any friends, because Logan had made her an outcast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> turns out i am in fact writing more.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The longer Veronica is around in his Journalism class, at his school, in his life, the angrier he gets that he just can’t get away from her, can’t stop thinking about her life, her love life, her personality transplant, her short hair, the jackets and boots she wears, like armor or something.

He didn’t care about the class president election, except that it made Madison Sinclair lose her mind, and Veronica clearly cared about who should win. Messiah for the downtrodden, or whatever it was that made her get involved in other peoples' lives. He saw Veronica in Journalism class fiddling with a necklace she wore sometimes, the one he knows Lilly gave her, and it just reminds him about the Abel Koontz news.

He wasn't joking around when he told her to find another bad guy, even though that Lilly voice in his head kept reminding him he was responsible for at least some of the crap in her life. He's sick of her being around, with that look on her face, like she’s so much better than him. He’s tired of seeing her with that necklace, looking sad and distant, like she’s thinking of Lilly, like she has any right to still be sad after everything she’s done. He’s especially sick of her poking her nose in everything, like she just can’t stand it. At some point Veronica fucking Mars became a thorn in his side that he badly wanted to be rid of.

He got Duncan to run for class president just to get him to wake up, to do something besides being a zombie all the time. He missed Lilly too, like a limb that he keeps forgetting got sawed off with a rusty blade, but at least he’s not asleep at the wheel like Duncan is. He overheard Veronica in Journalism class saying Duncan doesn’t initiate much of anything, and he’s surprised by how much he agrees with her. He just wished Duncan would lash out or pick a fight, that kind of reaction Logan could handle. Maybe a little too well. He almost missed kicking Veronica when she was down, just for the rush of wiping that knowing look off her face, just for feeling something other than the loss of Lilly. Fighting with Duncan would probably feel that good too. 

Organizing fights between homeless people probably wasn’t the best coping strategy, in hindsight, if the marks on his back were any indication. He felt bad enough before his dad caught wind of it, but after? He wished he had just stayed in bed all week. It’s not until after the booze and drugs wore off that he realized it was exactly the kind of fucked up thing that made him worry, deep down, that he was turning out to be just like his dad after all, the kind of guy who gets forgiven for every fucked up thing they do just because they’re handsome and rich and charming. The boxing idea was just him trying to feel something, make the pain of Lilly being gone shut up for a few hours, but obviously getting homeless people to do it wasn't the best idea. 

Getting detention with Weevil brought up all kinds of bad memories, especially when he saw that tattoo. He didn't buy for a minute that it’s not about his Lilly. He just couldn't believe that Lilly would slum it with Weevil of all the people to cheat on him with. Maybe it was some kind of unrequited love situation, but he knew he’s just lying to himself. He wanted to think Lilly only loved him and never fucked with his head, but that’s only because she was gone. When she was alive, he would have said that she played enough mind games to make Hannibal Lecter look tame.

He wondered if Veronica did that with Troy, got him to do things just by smiling and tilting her head and asking a certain way. He’s seen her spend enough time with Weevil, and he wondered about that too. And then he got angry that the thought even occurred to him. The longer Veronica was around in his Journalism class, at his school, in his life, the angrier he got that he just couldn't get away from her, couldn't stop thinking about her life, her love life, her personality transplant, her short hair, the jackets and boots she wears, like armor or something.

He saw her with Meg, who was probably the only person still invited to 09er parties who didn’t treat Veronica like she was contagious. Her circle was expanding to people who had no connection to Lilly, no association with the pain Logan had tried to make Veronica feel. He felt trapped between ignoring her completely and lashing out, smashing her headlights again just to get that itch out of his head to understand what’s made her loosen up, talk to people again after all those months of sitting alone at lunch. 

He saw a number painted on her locker from that stupid purity test, and he knows the only reason people think that Veronica Mars is a slut is because he spend a year telling everyone he could that she was. Just another thing that’s his fault, like the homeless fights and the marks on his back, like Veronica with her hair all cut off and a taser in her hand, like Lilly being all alone at her house when Abel Koontz bashed her head in with an ashtray.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope Logan's stream of consciousness doesn't seem to repetitive. I'm trying to mimic the slow roll of the show making him redeemable and sympathetic, and he's just so deep in denial when it comes to Veronica.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Somewhere along the way Logan had forgotten that not everyone would be willing to ditch their fathers, that not everyone came from dysfunction that made even the Kane family look normal.

It took Veronica solving the case of the Evaporating Poker Money for Logan to seriously consider whether he really was turning into his dad. Even Donut woke up long enough from his fugue state to notice that Logan had, quote, turned into a full blown jackass. 

He called Veronica his friend to get her to meet Connor Larkin, which was more of a favor for himself than for her, then he followed it up by making a crack about her being a virgin, like it was funny, like she was still innocent pre-Lilly Veronica and not whatever she is now. He watched her walk away from the pool house like he had when he gave the tape back, and he couldn’t get Lilly’s voice out of his head. She’s not all hard edges, Lilly’s voice (his conscience) tells him. She’s still got her sense of humor, taking them down a few pegs while solving the poker game money problem, she finally had friends again, and she cried at Lilly’s memorial. Of course, Logan had responded to those tears by getting in her face and telling her it was her fault Lilly died. 

Logan knows, deep down, that he’s not better than his father just because his blows are verbal. He wanted to punish Veronica for not doing what he liked, for not grieving the way he approved, for not abandoning her dad, her family, for going after Jake Kane. Somewhere along the way Logan had forgotten that not everyone would be willing to ditch their fathers, that not everyone came from dysfunction that made even the Kane family look normal. He punished her because it made him feel better, because he thought he was being loyal to Lilly and the Kanes, because he wanted to make Veronica pay, to make her associate memories of Lilly with pain like he did. 

Connor made a crack at the poker table about her being unlucky in love, and she had laughed like it was the funniest and truest thing she had ever heard. Logan saw how different she was after her breakup with Troy compared to when she and Duncan broke up. He had tried to talk to her about it, even though Troy was a tool, but even he couldn’t expect her to want anything to do with him. No more ice cream or shoulders to cry on from Logan Echolls, not after everything he had done to her.

They ended up at his parents’ Christmas party after Veronica emptied their pockets for her piggy bank or whatever, and before everything went to hell, he saw her follow Jake Kane into his dad’s office. His first impulse, coming straight from that part of his brain that just wouldn't shut up, was that she was going to follow in Daddy’s footsteps by accusing Jake, but Logan told that part of his brain to shut up. Whether she was or not, it had finally occurred to Logan that what Veronica Mars did or didn't do wasn’t any of his business, and he couldn’t judge her decisions when he had no idea what she was really doing. 

After Aaron's crazy stalker stabbed him, proving that even Aaron's sins could come back to bite him, Logan didn’t see Veronica again, but he did see her dad. Keith Mars hadn't cleared out with the rest of the riff-raff, but hung around and watched the police question the guests and go through some of Aaron's stuff. Logan tried to stretch his luck long enough to make himself scarce, but even he wasn’t stupid enough to think he could avoid him if Mr. Mars really wanted to find him.

“Logan,” Keith practically appeared at the door of the pool house. Logan hadn’t even noticed him coming across the deck. 

“Veronica get that Batman thing from you, then?” He deflected. He didn’t want Keith fucking Mars talking to him, especially after what happened with his dad, when Logan didn’t know whether to be vulnerable to someone who used to give him rides home sometimes, to avoid his parents knowing what trouble Lilly had gotten him into, or to put his jackass mask back on and pretend like nothing had changed.

“Among other things.” Keith answered wryly. He glanced around the pool house that was still a disaster from when Logan had torn it apart. His eyes lingered on the poker table. Pathological nosiness must be a Mars family trait, Logan resisted the urge to snark. He didn't know if his witty volleys would be well received. He didn't know anything anymore. “Poker? You didn’t let Veronica play, did you?” 

“She cleaned us out.” Logan said flatly. Mr. Mars looked faintly amused and proud, like teaching his daughter to grift rich boys out of their money had been a lifelong dream. 

Logan resisted the urge to pull his sleeves down over his wrists. Keith Mars as a sheriff had always made Logan a little jumpy, always careful not to lean too close to his precious Snow White daughter, keep his hands in his pockets and the booze out of sight. He’s not the sheriff anymore, just the father of the girl who’s headlights Logan busted, who once had drinks poured down her throat because Logan thought it was funny. Logan felt caught by the self-preservation part of his brain, urging him to shrink himself down to Veronica’s size to stay out of the line of fire, like Keith could see his sins written on his face. He knew Veronica must have learned her super spy skills from somewhere, and he knew his secrets wouldn’t stay hidden for very long under Keith Mar’s keen eye, even the ones that only lived on his body, not written down somewhere for a PI to track down. He’s caught, torn between that little boy fear and anger at how weak he is, how he _knew_ Keith Mars didn’t really care about Logan anymore, just like Veronica didn’t really care about Logan anymore.

“Logan, your mom is probably going to be answering questions for a while. I wanted to make sure you were okay.” His voice seemed concerned, but if he and Veronica were anything alike, Logan was sure Mr. Mars would be accusing him of some evil scheme pretty quick.

“Yeah, I’m just great.” Logan twitched away from Mr. Mars’ knowing look. Like father, like daughter. Logan was tired of being measured up by the Mars family and coming up short.

“I know you and Veronica aren’t friendly anymore, and I know more about that than she might want me to. But I know you’ve had a hard time-”

“I appreciate the concern, Mr. Mars, but can you just go, please?” Logan hated how weak he sounded, how childish and upset he was talking to someone who he should hate, but who was still here checking on him like he _cared_. Like Logan was still one of Veronica’s friends, like he was still part of the extending circle of teenagers Keith Mars offered rides home and couches to crash on, courtesy of them being important to Veronica.

Logan hoped that Veronica would be as outraged at her dad’s concern for Logan as Logan did, but deep down he hoped that Keith Mars wouldn’t just go like Logan asked, that he would stay and let Logan talk about it, that Logan could _trust_ him, could explain to him why he felt so torn up. Deep down Logan hoped talking to Keith Mars might help him understand the angry shell his daughter had become.

“Okay, Logan. Make sure you talk to your mom, okay?” Keith said, slowly, like he was giving Logan a chance to change his mind. Then Keith gave him one last look and headed back to the house, back into the sea of flashing police lights and security people keeping the onlookers and press people back. 

Logan found a half-full bottle from the poker game, popped the top, and hoped everything would just turn out to be one long nightmare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was excited to get to this episode right after I realized I was going to go through the whole season. We're almost to a logan breakthrough, folks


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They weren’t friends, even if he might secretly want them to be again. He had started to secretly want a lot of things, things he couldn’t admit to, things he would die rather than talk about with Duncan or Dick or anyone, really.

He enjoyed seeing Veronica getting arrested for fake IDs for about five minutes before he remembered why it was getting pinned on her of all people in the first place; it was because Logan made her the number one suspect. Seeing the tables getting turned on her, seeing that she wasn’t made of steel after all satisfied part of his brain, but the rest wondered if it would get her expelled, if the last time she saw him was when he was mocking her for more shit going wrong in her life.

Then Logan’s personal life, his parents’ problems, how his dad treated his mom was being splashed across the radio and the papers and his locker, and it didn’t take long for him to feel that jittery impulse fire up in his brain and start slinging punches. 

He actually sympathized with Veronica, who spent months having nasty things said about her by everyone she knew, having graffiti sprayed on her car and her locker, tires slashed, rumors spread. She endured months of it, and it took five minutes and one joke for Logan to start throwing punches. He felt weak and spineless, like a five foot tall girl who used to doodle Duncan Kane’s name in her notebooks was tougher than him. The worst part was that he knew it was true. If she wasn’t tough, she would have left a long time ago, transferred, moved somewhere else to get away from it all. 

He can’t help but pick a fight with his dad. He’s raw and jittery and anxious and he feels soft from all the taunts, and it doesn’t help that the knife didn’t even hit anything major. He never could resist shooting his mouth off just to see what would happen, like chain reactions. Push the house of cards over just to watch it fall. 

He had talked to Keith Mars for the first time in a long time after Aaron got stabbed, and he kept thinking about how much Veronica’s dad adored her, was nice to her, had protected her from her mom’s drinking problems and the Kane dysfunction, made sure she was always home by curfew or at least called if Lilly was up to something that would make her late. Keith never made her feel like she was a burden, a waste of space taking up attention that was rightfully his. He had been proud of her for taking all their poker money; it had stuck with Logan more than anything else that night. Except maybe Veronica shuffling those cards like a pro, just to show off a little. Keith Mars had obviously taught her, how to shuffle cards, how to hunt cars down and solve crimes and how to use a taser. He wanted to know if she still was the same with her dad as she was before Lilly died, indulgent and teasing, or if it was one more way she had changed, closing herself off from her dad even when she took his side about Jake Kane. 

The last thing he wanted to do after picking a fight and getting threatened by his dad was talk to the guidance counselor and bring up all those emotions about Lilly, when Lilly used to tell him to quit being such a girl whenever he got emotional or sappy. He couldn’t help but resent Ms. James, for dating Veronica’s dad, for dredging up all those memories of why he wasn’t with Lilly that day when she died, why she had broken up with him for the hundredth time in the first place. It was because of sweet little Veronica who just couldn’t wait to go running to Lilly to tell her all about how Logan had kissed some other girl, when Lilly spent their entire relationship sleeping with anyone else that caught her eye. He did blame Veronica, and himself, and Lilly, and the guidance counselor for making him talk about it, and Jake and Celeste for not protecting Lilly, and Duncan for not being someone he could talk to, about Lilly and Veronica, about his fucked up life.

He meant it when he asked what was so great about living, if he couldn’t escape his dad, if he couldn’t have Lilly back, if Veronica will hate him forever and he’ll never understand what the hell happened to her, if it was his fault all along, if there’s nothing left worth sticking around for.

He felt a chill go down his spine when his mom said she wanted to hurt Aaron as much as he hurt her. It was like the chill he felt when they called him to tell him something had happened and he needed to leave TJ and get back to Neptune.

He couldn’t even think about his mom being dead. The car on the bridge, it had to be a joke, part of some plan. She couldn’t just _leave him_ with Aaron and Trina. She had to be up to something, planning something, to get him away from Aaron and Neptune.

The funeral made him crazy, Aaron performing for everyone, putting on the Aaron Echolls Grief show, when Logan knew his mom wasn’t even dead. His grandfather’s lighter felt like a lifeline, salvation he was holding onto with both hands. He didn’t even care that Duncan looked at him like he’d lost it, he didn’t care about his dad trying to perform the role of “good, loving, devoted” father when Logan knows everything would only get worse without his mom around.

Veronica was the only person he could think of to turn to about his mom. They weren’t friends, even if he might secretly want them to be again. He had started to secretly want a lot of things, things he couldn’t admit to, things he would die rather than talk about with Duncan or Dick or anyone, really. He really hoped that Veronica would believe him, that she wouldn’t be as cynical and untrusting and suspicious as he suspected she would be. 

He drove to her shitty little apartment complex on the shitty side of town, and it made his head itch again. He’d never been to her apartment after she moved, they’d never dared to mess with her where her dad might catch them. He didn’t know if it was the domesticity, the poverty, or all those people living so close together that made his brain itch, but he had to tamp it down and focus. He hoped her dad wasn’t home, or at least wouldn’t ask too many questions. He only wanted Veronica’s help. He knew he could trust her with this, even when Duncan thought he was losing it, because if his mom really was out there somewhere, with a plan to get away from Aaron, it couldn’t get out and get back to Aaron. Even if Veronica was close enough to someone to tell them all of Logan’s dark secrets, he didn’t think she would. He guessed, hoped, that Veronica knew enough of other people’s secrets to make Logan’s insignificant. The downside of the closed door that was Veronica Mars was that nothing could get in, but the upside was that nothing could get out, either.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the prelude to Logan's big breakthrough, in which he fully completes his transition from jackass to redeemable human being.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It always came back to Veronica, but instead of that angry look on her face and tasers, she looked at him a little like how she used to, like she understood him and was waiting for him to get his shit together. She looked like she felt bad for him, like she felt something for him that wasn’t hatred.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a long one this time, everybody. dig in.

Entering Veronica’s shitty little apartment to ask for her help, all cozy and domestic like real people lived there, made Logan feel like an intruder. He was all wrapped up in his jacket to ward off the cold and the picturesque poverty of the wrong side of town, but he wanted to put on armor in the face of the Mars apartment and its cozy contents, of which he could probably purchase in its entirety with his pocket change. It felt like a real home, were people who loved each other lived, not the museum to Aaron Echolls’ shitty million dollar movies that Logan lived in. 

He was so focused on convincing Veronica about his mom, getting a little riled up about that soft tone of voice of hers, like she’s worried he’s snapped, but he was also thinking about how it was the first time he’d really been alone and vulnerable with her where she didn’t have a taser in her hand. He hoped that counted as progress, but even he knew his luck didn’t run that far.

It was all business with her, putting tracking notices his mom’s credit cards, planning to question the “witness” of his mother’s “death”, but she still teased him a little about his temper, and he wondered if it meant Veronica could stand to be around him, if he stayed out of her face, if the tasers and fists and taunts stayed stashed away. She didn’t want him tagging along, but he was able to talk to her, get in her face a little bit, without her going postal with her taser. He had to admit, it was kind of cool watching her work for the five minutes he wasn’t yelling or fighting someone. 

If he had the energy to be jealous about that cop Veronica had wanted to talk to at the station, he knew he would be. He didn’t _need_ to be around Veronica every minute of the day while she investigated, but he couldn’t get a handle on his emotions, on his brain. His mom, Aaron, her car on the bridge, Veronica talking to that cop, Veronica teasing him, Veronica calming him down when he confronted that sleeze selling a fake story about his mom. It was like a carousel that he couldn’t get off of. 

He hoped she couldn’t see through him that he was a little _too_ defensive about her helping him for money, not as a favor, that he was barely holding it together as they investigated, that the video of his mom jumping gutted him. He wanted it to be just a job, not a favor she was doing because they were friends. Veronica trying to bond over missing mothers made him remember that she did actually have some idea of how he was feeling. He had been glad when he heard her mom had ditched, like Veronica had deserved it. He might have felt bad about it, for being glad over her getting abandoned, if he could think straight. His nerves felt frayed; he couldn’t focus words people said to him, what class was next, what day it was. His mind wandered, to his mom, to Aaron, and Veronica. It always came back to Veronica, but instead of that angry look on her face and tasers, she looked at him a little like how she used to, like she understood him and was waiting for him to get his shit together. She looked like she felt bad for him, like she felt something for him that wasn’t hatred.

He was a little unnerved by how well she could get them snuck past hotel security, by her scrapbook, by her ability to bluff absolutely anything or anyone. He wondered if there was anything she couldn’t do or figure out. 

It wasn’t his mom at all. His lying bitch of a sister, spending his mother’s money, stealing from her before her body was even cold, before the will had even been read, like she had any right to it, like she had any right to anything, like she wasn’t as manipulative and false as his father. He couldn’t stop thinking about that crazy woman lying about the van, about the video of his mom jumping, about Trina spending his mom’s money, about Veronica talking in that soft sympathetic voice, Aaron’s belts, of going to Veronica Mars of all people to help him, of Duncan looking at him like he was crazy, of the way Aaron had spouted some bullshit about them being a team now that his mom was dead, that Aaron could sleep with whoever without hurting anyone, of Veronica’s short hair starting to get long again, of Keith Mars checking up on him, that Trina had all but told Veronica about how Aaron hit him and burned him with cigarettes, that now she knew something about him that he had spent more time than he could remember hiding from everyone, that his mom knew and didn’t make it stop, that instead of trying to get him away from Aaron, she had jumped, that she had left him.

He was sobbing in Veronica Mars’ arms, and had been for a while. 

He went from disjointed thoughts going round and round his head, that uncontrollable itchy part of his brain, the part that liked to destroy things just to watch them burn in the driver’s seat since he told Duncan about the lighter, a carousel he couldn’t get off of fear and worry and grief and destruction, to perfect clarity, for maybe the first time in his pathetic worthless life. 

His mom was dead, his girlfriend was dead, and he missed Veronica Mars as his friend, and he wanted her, as a friend, as a girlfriend, everything. He missed his friend Veronica almost as much as he missed Lilly. She had been a sweet, uncomplicated friend, the only girl he had ever been able to spend any time with without Lilly going ballistic that he was going to cheat. Veronica had given him shit when he deserved it, but always affectionately, like she knew he could do better and she was gonna stick around for him to prove her right. She would hug him, or hold his hand sometimes, or put her feet up in his lap. She used to let him copy her homework, whenever he had to miss class because of his “accidents”. She used to hug him every time he and Lilly had broken up, like it was all going to be okay just because Veronica willed it so, because her world had no room for such sad depressing things like her best friends breaking up.

All her sweetness disappeared with Lilly, and Logan hadn’t realized how much he missed it, craved to know if it was still there, under the hard shell around her, the zone she kept around her, with barbed wire and signs to warn trespassers away. At some point he started to want to understand her, and not just because he wanted to know what had changed her, to make himself feel less guilty, to know it wasn’t his fault. He wanted to see how much of the old Veronica remained, but he wanted to know _her_. Old Veronica, new Veronica, he didn’t care, he just wanted to know her, to talk to her, to hear her be vulnerable, to listen to her talk about Lilly or him or Duncan or whatever, to know what she liked and didn’t like, to know if she liked _him_ or still hated him, still blamed him. 

She had held him in her arms as he cried over his mom like she really cared about him, like he was her friend, like he had deserved her forgiveness and had earned it, when he knew he had done no such thing. He knew he didn’t deserve to be within a hundred feet of Veronica Mars, much less be comforted by her, when she probably had needed comfort from the way he had treated her. 

He knew Veronica didn’t want to know him the way he wanted to know her. How could she, after everything he had done? Remorse was an emotion he usually felt in the wake of Aaron’s reaction to whatever stupid drunk trouble he had gotten into, wishing he hadn’t pissed his dad off, provoked him, drawn attention to himself in that loud obnoxious way he couldn’t resist doing. Remorse about Veronica was new, and it felt like how Lilly felt, like a limb that was missing but still hurt as if it was there.

He wanted Veronica, but he felt guilty about Lilly, like he was betraying her by looking at Veronica like he did sometimes when no one was looking, like she was just a regular girl and he was just a regular guy and he could take her out for wine and roses or whatever sappy bullshit girls that weren’t Lilly liked. Even Duncan had noticed that Logan was drawn to Veronica like a moth. 

Some small part of the old Veronica’s tenderness towards him was still there, deep down where not even Logan’s poison could get to it, shining out of her like a ray of sunshine as she held him while he cried. Logan felt lucky that a little bit of it came his way, even if it was because his mom was gone. Just another thing for him to feel guilty about, not protecting his mom from Aaron, not being strong enough to just grieve Lilly like a normal person, instead of making it about him and the 09ers and betrayal, not being there for Veronica and letting her be there for him. 

He felt like he understood a little better now why Veronica had stood by her dad, why she couldn’t just accept that Lilly had died for nothing, that she couldn’t do anything about it, that it had been so pointless and maudlin and tragic. He had wanted so badly to believe his mom wasn’t dead, that she was just somewhere away from Aaron, and things were going to be okay again and maybe Logan could get away from Aaron and Veronica would smile at him and really mean it and Lilly wouldn’t be dead.

All Logan could think about was that he was in hell and it was never going to end. Funny how all along he had thought Duncan had been the one zoned out from reality, but really Logan had been. Funny how it takes his mom killing herself for Logan to fucking snap out it, to do what he had always avoided and really look himself in the eye and admit that he was a jackass like his dad, that he hadn’t done right by anyone since Lilly died, not Duncan, not Veronica, not his mom, because he was too busy acting like he was the center of the universe. He could barely dare to hope that Veronica didn’t hate him anymore, after she let him cry his guts out in her arms like the pathetic orphaned sap he was. He knew the truth now; his mom abandoned him, his girlfriend mindfucked him and then died, and the only person he really wanted to be near, to talk to, had spent a year getting treated like shit under his shoe.

He had to get away from Veronica, had to blow off her trying to talk to him about it, had to go back to his house of horrors. He promptly got as hammered as he could, because when you’re going through a life crisis, _a traumatic event_ as the grief counselors had called it, when your girlfriend and your mom are both dead, what other solution is there but to drink? Get hammered, check. Go crash a dance, check. See Veronica with another dude, check. Get picked up by his bitch of a sister, just to rub it in his face, check. 

Lilly was gone. His mom was gone. He has nothing but his dad and his useless sister and a zombie best friend and 09ers that don’t really care about him, only cared about his dad’s money and his liquor and his body. And Veronica. He had Veronica. He hoped he had Veronica, even if it was this fucked up angry version of her that sometimes looked at Logan like she could see what’s left of his soul and didn’t particularly care for it. Since his mom, she just looked at him like she pitied him. He hoped he still had her, or could have her again, and not just as a friend, as something that even Lilly might not have forgiven him for, if she had been there to kick his ass like he deserved. 

“Jesus, Logan, this is still your way of grieving? I really thought you’d have figured your shit out when I died. This is really pathetic.”

Logan knew he was dreaming. He couldn’t not be dreaming, if Lilly was talking to him. He was afraid to open his eyes, to see her head bleeding out, her brains sliding down her beautiful manipulative face. 

“Hey, I’m talking to you, loverboy. I didn’t come all the way here so you could ignore me.”

He opened his eyes, but the whole room was swimming, spinning like a top, like he was on drugs on top of being hammered out of his mind. Except Lilly, sitting over him like she used to do when she snuck into his room to see him. No blood, no brains, just the pep squad outfit she died in and a look on her face that made him want gauge his eyes out. It was her “I Know What You’re Up To” face. He missed her like people miss oxygen when they’re underwater. 

“Lilly.” He croaked out. His head felt like death.

“I should have known you’d get like this. You always did have such a mushy gooey center deep down in there.” She smiled at him, a real smile, not a sweet one like Veronica might have, but Lilly’s smile, like she really loved him and wanted him and needed him.

“Lilly. Why are you here.” He could barely look at her, all golden and firey. Nothing red except the lipstick she was wearing that day. Looking at her hurt more than anything, more than losing her, more than his mom. It felt like she was there with him, sitting primly on the bed next to him, like they were gonna fool around, or just talk like they did when they were really young, before sex, before other guys, like she wasn’t dead forever, like she hadn’t left him.

“I’m here because all of you are so obviously going to pieces without me. I told Duncan and now I’m telling you, you need to WAKE UP.” Whatever she was, ghost, dream, hallucination, she still talked the same, sounded the same, loud and energetic, vibrant and alive.

“I miss you,” he whispered, trying to memorize the exact shape of her eyes, the freckles on her cheeks, the lipstick she had been wearing, like he’d forgotten, like he hadn’t stared at pictures of her for hours, trying to commit as much as he could to memory.

“I know, Logan.” She gave him a look, a look he wouldn’t have recognized on his Lilly, something closer to closed-off grieving Veronica than his loud vibrant Lilly. Maybe her death had affected her as much as it had affected the rest of them. 

“I’m flattered I’m still the most important woman in your life, but maybe it’s time to knock off the moping _crap_ and get it together.”

He sat up, hard, his head screaming and his mouth tasting like day old crap. There was no Lilly in the room, sitting over him, not even a hint of her perfume, nothing. He was alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there we go! the logan breakthrough that started with the homecoming memorial and arrived here, at him finally having some goddamn sense. Don't worry, there's more to come, we can't miss out on all those end-season mindfucks


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He felt stuck, frozen in place, helpless to resist the lure of Veronica’s face, the little glimpses of whatever her clever brain was thinking she couldn’t keep hidden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the motel kiss Gets me where I live

Logan wasn’t the kind of guy to just leave things alone. He had an almost pathological desire to snoop through people’s things, something that he realized he had in common with Veronica. But he snooped because he couldn’t resist stirring shit up, to determine if other people had as much as a fucked up home life as he did, or if they were normal; Veronica snooped to find out the opposite. She set out to prove people were fucked up, like she already knew it was true. Her goal was to find out who committed adultery or theft or murder; she never failed to find someone guilty of something when she set her mind to it. 

So when he saw Lilly’s face on the laptop screen that must belong to her, and then files with names on them, Jake Kane, Celeste Kane, Duncan, he couldn’t just resist opening them. Was this an answer to the mystery that was Veronica Mars? Everyone going to extreme lengths to lie, to cover things up, to hide things, that she couldn’t trust anyone to tell the truth? Her father had gone after Jake Kane, refused to believe Abel Koontz had done it, and Veronica had stood by him. Maybe she really believed it. Maybe they knew something he didn’t.

It was tragic, that Veronica would think someone who loved Lilly as much as the Kanes and Duncan had could have hurt her. He wondered what would happen if she found out about the things he had never told her, things he wasn’t ready to confront and apologize for, to see if she really had the capacity to forgive or if she would make him pay. Would she turn that suspicion on him, if he told her he had come back from Tijuana? Even with everything he’d done to her, he couldn’t imagine Veronica would really think he would hurt Lilly.

She reminded him how much she loved Lilly, and he felt his throat starting to close up, like he was going to get all pitiful and emotional again. He wanted to just give her the check and get out of there before he started weeping in her arms again. He just wanted to give her something to help her, to compensate her for being so nice to him, for not kicking him when he was down like he deserved. Logan had wanted her finding his mom to be just a job for Veronica, to prove that he wasn’t deluding himself like the pathetic lovesick drunk he probably was about where they stood, like she hadn’t been nice to him for any reason other than pity and maybe a little leftover nostalgia, but when she tore the check up, he felt some of the knots in his chest unravel. She helped him because she cared about his mom, had cared that she had died. He couldn’t say the same for very many of the “well wishers” and hangers-on that were eating up Aaron’s grieving widower bullshit. 

She pulled him aside the next day to actually ask him when he was going to start messing up her life again. Was she genuinely worried nothing had changed, or was it just instinct, a learned fear of what he would do or say? If she really still thought he was going to go after her, spread rumors just for kicks, then he was a delusional moron and he would never be able to fix things, to fix anything, to get her to understand how sorry he was. But her voice shook a little, and her arms were crossed, and he still had hope, as stupid as it was. 

His mind was preoccupied with Duncan, the Kanes, Lilly, everything, and he didn’t have the first clue on how to convince her things were different on his end now. He doubted she would believe him. Instead he focused on something he could actually get answers for. He doubted Veronica would open up to him right then and there about how she might feel about him, but she might answer his questions about Duncan. 

Then he heard about her getting involved with the Kane scholarship race from 09er gossip, and he hoped she and Duncan hadn’t started hanging out again, that she hadn’t gone to their dinner, gone to the house for probably the first time since Lilly. Logan wasn’t _trying_ to keep tabs on Veronica Mars’ Scooby Doo hijinks; it wasn’t his fault everyone in the school gossiped about Veronica Mars like she was a sideshow exhibit.

Well, that was actually his fault. He wasn't seeking the rumors out, trying to piece together the parts of her life he wasn't invited to, but if someone happened to hear something about her digging up dirt on people’s parents or investigating whether sleazy teachers were seducing students or going over to the Kanes’ house for their scholarship dinner, Logan wasn’t going to tell them to shut up. He was curious about what kind of things she was capable of, how good she was at finding skeletons in closets, where she had learned to be suspicious enough to think that Duncan could have killed his own sister and the Kanes covered it up. 

He wondered if she just did the small time stuff, or if her dad let her do the kind of cat burglar sneaking around that PIs did. He didn’t like the idea of Veronica helping out criminals, guys like Yolanda’s gangster father, guys who could hurt her, who could take that taser away from her.

He shouldn’t be surprised she got involved with bomb threats at school. She must not care that she was all of 5 feet tall and dainty, that her only lines of defense were her mind and her taser and her dad, when he’s around. He’d learned to put faith in Veronica’s brain, in her ability to figure stuff out, but she still could get hurt somehow. Lilly hadn’t been any less petite than Veronica, after all.

He told her he told Duncan about the files, because he had thought Duncan had the right to know, but what he didn’t get the chance to tell Veronica was that he suspected Duncan still had feelings for Veronica, after that conversation. Duncan had blown right past the files when Logan had told him. 

“What do you mean, files? And why were you hanging out with Veronica? Are you two dating now?” Duncan had practically snarled at him, like Veronica was still his girlfriend, like he was jealous even though he had moved on with Meg. 

“We weren’t hanging out, I went to pay her, for helping me, with my mom, not that it’s your business. You know, I couldn’t help but notice that you have a new girlfriend, you know, blonde, sweet, _not_ named Veronica, who’s not investigating your family.” Logan had been pissed off, that Duncan acted like it was some great betrayal for him to hang out with Veronica, that he was so transparent that even Duncan with his head in the sand could see it, that he seemed to care as much about Veronica and Logan than about Veronica keeping files on his family. 

“Just stay away from her.”

He didn’t think Veronica would be thrilled to have that seed of doubt planted, that Duncan was leading on one of her friends and pining after her even though he hadn’t even had the spine to break up with her properly, but she had a right to know. Logan was keeping enough secrets from her.

When he heard Veronica on the phone, some guy in the car making her drive, her trying to keep control over the situation, the phone clattering and then the voices muffled, like the phone had fallen under something, he didn’t hesitate. That taser might get her pretty far, but if she actually had to use it, she would be able to appreciate some backup. 

He was glad to see her okay, not hurt like he couldn’t help but imagine on the way to the motel, like when he got wasted and couldn't help but get sucked into imagining Lilly's last hours, minutes, over and over, wondering what anyone could have done to prevent it.

The very last thing he expected Veronica to do on the porch of the motel was kiss him. Anything else, yell at him, tell him she didn’t need him to play hero, leave him there, anything would have been less surprising than a kiss. He hadn’t even been sure Veronica didn’t hate him anymore. He had thought maybe she had softened up, moved on a little bit, maybe even considered forgiving him for all the crap he put her through. Or maybe she was biding her time, letting him get his guard down so she could sneak past and pay him back. He did not expect her to kiss him, a near-kiss, on the corner of his mouth, like she had changed her mind halfway through. 

He didn’t expect her to look at him with that guarded expression on her face after, either, like she didn’t know why she had done it but she hoped it wouldn't blow up in her face. Like it wasn’t a sign Logan had been desperate for, that she might want him even a fraction of the amount he wanted her. She turned away with a shake of her head, probably kicking herself for putting herself out there, being vulnerable with the last person she should trust to crack open the door for. Logan couldn’t do anything but spin her around and kiss her like his life, his sanity depended on it. 

Just one kiss, an incredibly mind blowing kiss that Logan could feel in his whole body, all the way down to his toes, and then they both pulled away and Veronica stared at him, emotions shifting across her face, too quick for Logan to read. He wanted to know what she was thinking, feeling, whether this was a beginning for them or an end. He felt stuck, frozen in place, helpless to resist the lure of Veronica’s face, the little glimpses of whatever her clever brain was thinking she couldn’t keep hidden. 

She pulled away, her face tipped down, her eyes unfocused like her brain was moving fast, processing as she went down the stairs to leave. He wasn't really surprised; all he ever seemed to do was watch Veronica Mars walk away from him. 

She stopped before she drove away from him, looked up at him with that guarded expression, surprise and confusion and wariness. Logan wanted to stop her and drag her back for more as much as he wanted to protect her from that same impulse, protect her from being overwhelmed by him, all the things he wanted to do, in case she didn’t want that, didn't want him. He wanted to say something, to stop her, to go with her, to make sure she was okay, but she was already leaving, driving away in her endearing cereal box car. He wondered if she felt as overwhelmed as he did. She must have, must have felt like the whole world had suddenly started spinning backwards on its axis, or else why would she run?

He’d never had a first kiss with someone that was that sweet, innocent, an almost-kiss to thank him for swooping in, for having her back, like he hadn’t stuck a knife in it a year ago. Logan barely remember what his first kiss with Lilly had been like; too covered up in his memories by everything more exciting that came after. He had sometimes wondered, secretly, where it wouldn’t show on his face for Lilly to indict him for, how Veronica Mars kissed, what it felt like, whether it would feel as good and tender and affectionate as her hugs and teasing and comfortable platonic intimacy had always felt to Logan. He hadn’t had a girl touch him with anything even resembling kind affection in so long he couldn’t pinpoint how long it had been. Lilly certainly had never been one for tenderness, more passion and aggression and sex than anything, and Logan had never allowed anyone after to be anything but warm bodies. 

How was he going to sit in class with her, and Duncan, and not have it show on his face? He had wished for Duncan to wake up, to stop being a zombie, even to start picking fights, and he got his wish, only it was over Veronica. He didn’t want to have to give her up. Logan already felt the absence, like Veronica Mars had taken a piece of him with her. He wasn’t sure if he would get cut on her sharp edges, her suspicion, her anger, but Logan didn’t really think he would mind if he did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Arrested Development narrator voice: he would mind.
> 
>  
> 
> more Aaron and Lilly feelings coming up next on this parade of Logan angst


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Did she really like him, the way he liked her? Was she going to doodle his name in her notebooks and twirl her hair while they talked? It was all very middle school and adolescent.

When compared to his home life, whatever was going on between him and Veronica was a dream. He had no real clue what she was thinking or feeling, why she was willing to be near him, why she had kissed him, but he wasn’t going to jeopardize it, not _now_ , when it was really the only good thing going for him. She seemed nervous when he approached her at school. She was cool as a cucumber taking down criminals and investigating murder, but faced with talking to Logan, she was off her game. It made him feel a little proud and a little nervous himself; he could faze the unfazable Veronica Mars, but what did that mean for them? Did she really like him, the way he liked her? Was she going to doodle his name in her notebooks and twirl her hair while they talked? It was all very middle school and adolescent. He hadn’t been nervous about a girl since he _was_ in middle school, when being nervous about a girl was still cool and exciting, not completely ridiculous. 

Talking about Duncan’s disappearance felt like old times, morbid as it was. Like he and Veronica were a team, the other half of their little foursome, always chasing after the Kane siblings. Part of him was deflecting, staying on the surface and not opening up all his insecurities and fears and worries, and he could tell Veronica was too. Flippant teasing and evasive answers were her mask, her shield against, well, everything. Even him. 

Hearing that Weevil broke into Lilly’s bedroom made all thoughts of Veronica fly out of his head. He _knew_ that tattoo on Weevil was about Lilly. He knew Weevil and Veronica were close; before Homecoming he might have believed they were seeing each other. But he still owed Weevil a few beatdowns; he was down in the count even before he factored Lilly into it. 

It shouldn’t surprise him that Veronica could have told Weevil about her mystery files, about the Kanes. It does surprise him how much it hurts to think about, that Lilly could have been sleeping with Weevil. He thought he was done feeling surprised by how much Lilly had manipulated him while they were dating, but Weevil still surprised him. Other 09er guys, guys who could take Lilly out in style like she liked, guys who knew Logan well enough to not like him, that didn’t surprise him as much. But Weevil? Poor wasn’t her style, but danger was. Did she love Weevil? Was she just with Logan for looks, the boyfriend her friends and parents wouldn’t disapprove of, good for a good time and the money and the booze?

Finding out his mom changed her will and seeing the look on Aaron and Trina’s faces bouyed Logan; considering the value of the art collection, Logan could end up wealthy independent of Aaron’s trust fund. His mom might have left him, but she wanted to make sure he wouldn’t just fall on his face after. But he knows Trina’s not happy about it, Aaron less so, and Logan’s not stupid enough to think it won’t blow back on him. Maybe Veronica would be happy for him, or if it would just breed more of her contempt for the uselessly wealthy and the 09er zip code and everything it had done to her. 

He hated Trina, but seeing her bruised from her deadbeat boyfriend pissed Logan off. It just reminded him of Aaron, of his mom, of everything he did to Veronica. He was so sick of it, of everyone using violence to get what they wanted or to punish people, lashing out to feel powerful, especially because he knew he had learned to do it too. 

After his mom, he figured Veronica would help him with Trina, with whatever, and not even charge him for it, kissing not factored in.

Seeing her con Hollywood people to track down Trina’s boyfriend was hot as hell; he really liked this side of Veronica, action hero, super sleuth, a better actress than Logan was used to seeing. Everyone in Logan’s life lied for some reason or another, including him; Veronica was maybe the only person he knew who did it altruistically. 

Veronica went with him to his house; a sign of them being a team, in it together. Only they get there, and she was exposed to that other side of Aaron Echolls, movie star, family man. The last thing Logan wanted was Veronica to see his dad like that and pity Logan, or worse, start remembering what kind of behavior ran in the Echolls family.

His emotions were running all together, stirred up to the surface. That’s why he asked Veronica about Weevil and Lilly; none of them knew about it before, but he thought maybe she knew about it now. Maybe she and Weevil talked about Lilly, bonded over her, grieved together instead of turning it on each other.

She didn’t know what she and Logan were doing anymore than he did. She didn’t know what it was, if they were a couple, if it was even okay to get together, Lilly’s boyfriend and Lilly’s best friend. But it makes something click for Logan, like he suddenly realized that Veronica Mars, girl detective, didn’t know everything. She didn’t know who really killed Lilly or why, she hadn’t known about Lilly and Weevil, and she didn’t know what she and Logan were doing, why it felt so good to be near each other. But it made Logan so happy that they could figure it out together. 

He drove her home, but before she went inside, he had to tell her something. He had to tell her a lot of things, and maybe he would, but he needed to start with something small, something she would understand.

“Veronica, hold on, I have to tell you something,“ She gave him a wary look, like he was going to start waxing poetic or something. “Don’t worry, It’s not terminal.” he said sarcastically. 

“Oh, darn, I was picturing the perfect flower arrangement for your hospital room.”

“Gardenias, always pretty. I, uh, I just wanted to tell you that I had a dream about Lilly. After my mom.” 

She leaned back heavily in the seat, like it hurt her to hear it. “I’ve dreamed about her, too, sometimes. I was thinking about her when I got in your car tonight.”

“Yeah? She told me she had talked to Duncan, that she told him he needed to wake up. She told me the same thing. Maybe she meant it about you, you know, _everything_.” He waved his hand dismissively, like the _everything_ that was Veronica and Logan wasn’t a big a deal, like they weren’t suddenly _secretly dating_.

Veronica smiled and looked at him sweetly. She leaned in and kissed him like that too, sweetly, carefully, like he was fragile and she didn’t want to break him into a million pieces. It made him want to cry a little bit. If she walked away from him again, like he was always watching her do, he would be deeply fucked. He didn’t want to lose another girlfriend, not when he finally felt maybe his life wouldn’t be all doom and gloom forever. Maybe he could have something good, something that made him happy for once.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you know that phrase "things have to get worse before they get better" ? This is the reverse version of that.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Logan loved the idea of putting the work in for Veronica. He _wanted_ to woo her, like the cheesy romantic movies she used to make them all watch.

A secret relationship was fine, he could do that, if that was what Veronica wanted. He didn’t mind how they dated, so long as she didn’t ditch him, that they figured it out together. It was kind of thrilling.

Logan hoped he wasn’t starting to have a thing for skills of the lower class, watching Veronica confidently and casually fixing her car engine right there in front of everyone, like it wasn’t indecently sexy, like the idea of Veronica leaning in real close to his ear and talking in that playful voice of hers about hoses and manifold intakes didn’t get him going a little bit. He wanted Dick and Beaver to lay off her; it wasn’t right, letting them just talk shit about her, still, like she hadn’t come through for him, like he hadn’t tried to ruin her life. But it _was_ fun listening to her sass them; it might be a front, her deflective shield of humor, but it was funny, seeing her outwit and outsmart everyone. She was practically flirting with him right there in front of Dick and Beaver, and Logan really hoped Dick wasn’t secretly a genius or anything, or else their little secret wouldn’t stay a secret for very long. Logan really didn’t want to have to kick Dick’s ass.

Sneaking into the girls’ bathroom to make out with Veronica is the first genuinely exciting thing he’d done with a girl in years. He used to do that kind of thing with Lilly; but it was all the more thrilling because it was Veronica, because Logan didn’t think she’d really done all the stuff people said she did. She felt good, small and strong, pressed up against him with her legs around his waist, and if he hadn’t completely lost his touch, she thought so, too. He wanted to kiss her for hours, to skip class, to keep her there, to lose the clothes and find out what she liked and didn't like, to spend hours soaking up the smell of her perfume. But they had class to get to, a secret to keep, and Logan knew he couldn't push his luck, push for too much, too fast.

He agreed with her about keeping it from Duncan; he didn’t want his best friend to find out Logan was dating Duncan's ex from the Neptune High gossip mill. He wanted to kiss her in the bathroom, secretly, covertly, but he wanted to hold her hand in front of everybody, too. He wanted Veronica, but he liked her too, and he didn’t want to have to hide it. 

Listening to her talking about physics equations was sexy, like her fixing her car was sexy, like her doing her spy thing was sexy. Maybe he wasn’t into mechanical skills and physics equations; maybe it was just Veronica. She was beautiful, she always had been, but she was confident too, and guarded, wary, like it took more than a pick-up line and a pretty face to get her interested. Lilly had come to Logan; he hadn’t had to do it anything to get her. A beautiful, passionate girl a year older than him wanted to go out? Logan hadn’t needed much convincing. Logan loved the idea of putting the work in for Veronica. He _wanted_ to woo her, like the cheesy romantic movies she used to make them all watch. She had let her guard down a little bit with him, and she was into him, or else they never would have progressed past chaste thank-you-kisses, but Logan wanted to be allowed past the rest of her barbed wire fences and caustic wit. He wanted to love her. 

She sent him off to class with “I have things to do.”; she wouldn’t be the type to wait by the phone for him. She had a part of her life that didn’t include Logan, yet, but he wanted to help her, hang out with her while she did whatever. He couldn’t say he had much in the way of sleuth skills or subtlety, but watching her do her detective thing was like theater for him, and not the shitty kind his dad pretended to do. 

Logan was thrilled she called him to pick her up from the mechanic shop. She had Wallace, her friend Mac, Meg, even the PCHers that followed Weevil around, but she called _him_ , because they were _dating_. It really was like middle school all over again. He had spent the rest of the day thinking about their bathroom make out, about her fixing her car, hoping she would text, and when she called for a ride, he had felt special, like she relied on him. 

She was so short, her forehead came right up to his mouth, so he couldn’t resist kissing her on the forehead when they were close. It was so sappy and mushy, but he just couldn’t resist it. He wanted to win her a bear at ring toss like she teased; he wanted to hold her hand at the mall and send each other secret notes. Logan was so far gone for her already; he was already in too deep to get out without getting hurt.

His dad clearly approved of Veronica, letting them take the boat to Catalina, promising not to tell anyone they were together. It was almost too good to be true; Logan wondered what the other shoe looked like and when it would make an appearance. But he would take the boat; he wanted to show Veronica that he could use his dad’s money for more than just underage drinking and petty vandalism. He did almost blow it; she obviously didn’t know about the announcement in the paper, and he hoped it didn’t hurt her. He figured her mom was one of Veronica’s sore spots, one of the things she was closely guarding under all those layers, the shell around her that kept the sore spots protected. 

He needed to get the same kind of shell, figure out how she did it and mimic it, if she was going to keep getting his hopes up only for them to get dashed on the rocks. He waited on the boat for hours, waited for Veronica to show up for their date. Instead, he got nothing, just a champagne bottle to drink, alone, and disappointed hopes. He’d thought she wanted to go out with him, a real date, not just dirty high school bathrooms and kisses in the car, but he’d obviously misread her, saw what he wanted to see. Maybe he was just Veronica’s dirty little secret; someone to make out with, not go out with. Maybe she was just playing him, like Lilly played him, telling him one thing and doing something else when his back was turned, hitting him where it hurt just because he made the mistake of leaving himself unprotected. A gooey center, Lilly had called it. He really was a sap, after all, he knew he would forgive her without question, once she told him whatever reason she had ready for why she didn’t show. He was that into her; he’d let her walk all over him, because it was better than losing her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that other shoe will drop, and soon


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She was a complicated mix of anger and vengeance and affection and remorse, all of which he had been the recipient of just that day alone; he was caught between hoping he was in her little circle now, part of the team of misfits she welcomed into her life, slowly and carefully, and the fear that it was all too good to be true, that he was still deluding himself, still playing catch up to what was really going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> boy still cannot catch a break

Logan had wanted to get behind the closed door, past the fences, find out what had made Veronica so different now, to find out what made her tick, and she let him in and he fell for her, hard, uncontrollably, only for that door to swing wide open and reflect his own sins back at him in her angry eyes. She got Weevil to keep Logan away from her, like she was afraid of him, like the taser alone wouldn’t protect her from Logan. It killed him, knowing that Weevil was right, that Veronica trusted Weevil and wanted nothing to do with Logan, that Logan hadn’t been good enough for Lilly, for her to stay, to not cheat on him, to love him like he loved her, and that it was just happening again with Veronica. 

He had poked and prodded for the answers, to understand Veronica, to know her again, because he missed her, because they were the two fucked up messes left in the wake of Lilly Kane, and he thought he’d succeeded, gotten her to warm up to him, to be his friend again and maybe even his girlfriend. He _knew_ he hadn’t told her everything, that he’d done things to her that were unforgivable, but he’d been naive enough to think it was all in the past now, that it wouldn’t come back to bite him, how he treated her at Shelley’s party, how he used and degraded her when she could barely stand. He should have known better. When did he ever catch a break?

Just like with Lilly’s death, the truth hurt more than he ever thought it could. He might not have raped Veronica, but he as good as let it happen to her, created the perfect situation, all the variables in the right place, for Veronica to end up raped and angry and traumatized. It was amazing she ever talked to him again, if she had really been holding onto something like this, spending months wondering which 09er did it, if they all knew, if they all remembered Shelley’s party every time they saw her. First Lilly, then her mom leaving, then that. Shelley’s party. _Logan_. Her taser, her hair, her armor of jackets and boots, the wall of silence around her, her angry warpath expression, her empty lunch table, it all made sense. The answers he had been craving, seeking like a moth to flames; only he had been the fire all along.

He wanted to go back, to hold her, cradle her in his arms like she had for him when his mom had died, to try and take her pain away, to try to be her friend, her boyfriend, someone who loved her and would never hurt her, but it was clear from the mask of rage on her face barely covering up how hurt she was, the way she looked at him like he must have looked at her for months after Lilly’s death, like his very existence was offensive to her, that she wanted him to just disappear from her porch and her life. He wanted to get hammered and forget everything that had ever happened, that he had ever fallen for Veronica Mars, that Lilly had died, that both their moms had left them, that he had ruined her life. He wanted to start hunting down his own friends, find out who did it and make them pay, for her, so she wouldn’t have to, even though he knew it was probably the only thing that would help her. He wanted the guilt to stop tearing him apart, guilt on top of guilt. He wanted to be a better person than his father, not a fuck up who couldn’t help but destroy everything he came in contact with, who couldn’t protect anyone, who only brought pain and misery wherever he went. He wanted to go back in time and kill the old version of him so he could take that version’s place, prevent himself from fucking everything up.

It hurt all the more because she must have started to feel something for him, if it would be so much worse for her if it had been him. He had done this to her, caused it to happen, and then instead of growing a spine and apologizing for how he treated her, telling her about the party, the salt lick, drugging Duncan, even if it hurt, even if it made him have to confront what a monster he had become, confront the flaws and parts of himself he hated and feared, up front and early, he had just pretended none of it had even happened, like he was drugged out Duncan. As if it was nothing, like it was already forgiven and forgotten. He dated her, got her to trust him after everything, to kiss him and hold his hand and smile at him, to make herself vulnerable, to open herself up to the worst he was capable of. 

He stumbled down to the beach by her house, sat in the sand and watched the waves and tried to not to fixate on the look on her face, how small and vulnerable she looked in just a robe, more undressed than she had ever been with Logan before. He had been fascinated for months by what might be hidden under the empty mask Veronica wore, desperate to know and understand what had made her that way, desperate to know if it had been his fault; now that he knew she wore the mask to keep from flying to pieces, to cover up how much pain she had been through, been abandoned and raped and humiliated because of him, he just wished he was dead. 

He found out from his so-called friends, the next day, that Veronica Mars was on the warpath. She had gotten Tad taped to a flagpole by the PCHers the day before, but now she had destroyed Dick’s precious surfboard and questioned all the 09ers like she was going to kill them and already knew how she was going to do. It made Logan laugh in their faces; he knew she could destroy them all, and would. She had become a hard shell, a 5 foot tall vortex of terror and rage and don’t-fuck-with-me attitude, and she did it so well that Logan couldn’t help but be proud of her. 

She called him, after school, after whatever she had done to the 09ers, to ask him, quietly, tentatively, if he would be willing to come over again so they could talk. Logan felt like the world had started to rotate backwards on its axis again; he couldn’t help get his hopes up, that she knew it wasn’t him, that they might be okay after all. 

“Is your dad home?” He said, quiet, furtive, like if he pushed too hard too fast, drew too much attention, became too much of a spectacle, it would make Veronica rescind her request, refuse to see him or talk to him ever again. He couldn’t get all the parts of his brain in a row, couldn’t get them to shut up for once, but he had spent a lifetime performing for everyone around him. He could pretend to be okay, to push his feelings down and make sure he was there for Veronica, like a friend, like someone she could count on, even if it went badly for him, even if he had already lost her. 

“He’s in Vegas.” She said, her voice thick and gravelly, like she’d worn it out crying or yelling. Logan was glad Keith wasn’t in town; he didn’t know what Keith Mars knew, but the idea of meeting Veronica at her house with her dad and his loaded gun made Logan jumpy, as if he had already pissed of his own father and knew he couldn’t avoid what was coming. 

She looked completely different from the version of her that had accused him; she looked more like she did after Duncan had broken up with her than he had ever seen her after. It was a mindfuck for Logan, to see her so emotional and remorseful; he didn’t think he would ever fully understand how deeply buried she kept everything, how many layers of barbed wire fencing she kept around her vulnerability, how compartmentalized she had to become, just to handle going to school every day. Logan wanted so badly to curl her up into a ball and hold her, protect her from everything that could hurt her, even himself.

She might not have been raped, but the fact that Duncan had left her there, that he had never talked to her about it for months, letting her think she’d been raped _for months_ , it wounded Logan. His own best friend; Logan clearly didn’t know him at all. He might have killed Lilly; he had let Veronica just suffer, be humiliated and torn down for months, had never even talked to her about it. He just blithely stood by while the repercussions of his actions blew up the lives of everyone around him; Logan kind of wanted to punch him. And if Duncan punched back, all the better. 

He took Veronica to his house to look after her, make sure she ate real food and got a real night’s sleep; he wasn’t expecting anything. He still wanted her, but he didn’t want her because of this, because she might want to cover up the bad memories with something good. He’d been up close and personal with that impulse; he couldn’t do that with Veronica, let her do that instead of dealing with it. Not that _he_ was the poster boy of dealing with things in a healthy and mature way, but he wanted better for Veronica.

Telling all his so-called friends to evaporate from his life, that they didn’t mean a thing to him compared to Veronica, satisfied that jumpy destructive part of his brain that had been trying to take over all day. He felt the world tilt under his feet, the lines of his loyalty being redrawn, shifting to Veronica, even though he knew it was one more way he was in too deep to get out safely. She was a complicated mix of anger and vengeance and affection and remorse, all of which he had been the recipient of just that day alone; he was caught between hoping he was in her little circle now, part of the team of misfits she welcomed into her life, slowly and carefully, and the fear that it was all too good to be true, that he was still deluding himself, still playing catch up to what was really going on. 

He wished it hadn’t come at the expense of Duncan, that look on his face like Logan had betrayed him, had betrayed the brotherhood or whatever. Logan didn’t want to hurt Duncan, that was the whole point of a secret relationship, but Duncan had used up all his best friends points already, whether he knew it or not. 

Kissing Veronica was too good to be true, like it always was. He was always waiting for her to wise up and realize Logan wasn’t good enough to be near her. But he owed it to her, even if it drove her away, to stop kissing her, to tell her, everything, about the salt lick and drugging Duncan, about his intense desire to protect her from everything, even himself. He wanted her to stay, to be with him for whatever reasons were making her want to be in the pool house with him, not walking away from him, not blaming him even though he blamed himself, but only if she read all the fine print. He wanted her to choose him with eyes wide open. 

Drinking seemed like a good idea. It always did. It would soothe his anxiety, the urge to pull his sleeves over his wrist, help him stay balanced, light and breezy for Veronica. He didn’t want to scare her or overwhelm her with the cocktail of emotions he was feeling, the conflicting impulses in his brain, and he was way too fucking sober after the day they had had, they both were. 

He shouldn’t be that surprised that Veronica is just gone, the pool house empty, but she just kept finding ways to send little shards of glass into his soft gooey exposed emotions, to surprise him with another closing door of her guarded emotions, the twisting maze of her feelings that led him right back into dead ends of barbed wire fences again. He thought she had been okay, felt better, safe with him alone at least, kissing him like she trusted him. The sound of her soft “I do” when he asked for her trust stayed with him, echoing around the silence of the pool house. He wondered which fucked up part had made run away again. He wondered if he would ever know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> how many other shoes can drop before the metaphor has gotten away from us
> 
>  
> 
> I'm a little bit daunted by the finale of season 1, so please bear with me as it might take a while for that chapter to get uploaded here. but it will certainly not be abandoned, i would never do that!


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